Twinge.

(Photo used without her permission, but I know she won’t mind – thank you, Karen.)

I am a college student once again, and I just had a twinge of heartache because I wanted to call Mom and tell her I am following in her footsteps…and I can’t call her.

/twinj/

a sudden short feeling of emotion, especially an unpleasant one. a twinge of guilt/sadness/regret.

I daily twinge, actually.

It might be something I have said or thought that was not kind or thoughtful, or it could be something I failed to say in my haste and pre-occupied self-centeredness.

Quite often it is something I thought about doing but never got around to, and so now I twinge guilt and regret. That happens A LOT – cards I didn’t send, texts and emails I neglected to respond to, words left unwritten…

If I happen to see a cardinal or hear His Eye is on the Sparrow or I Surrender All or pull out a recipe card with Mom’s handwriting or see my bookmark with her picture on it, I twinge sadness and heartache.

If I hear someone laugh who sounds just like my daughter, or if I walk through the little girl section at Dillard’s and see all the cuteness and wish for those days to return, if I look at my video screen of scrolling pictures in my kitchen and see a picture of Nadia, my Italian Greyhound, I twinge.

If my mind takes me back to my past self and all my sins – TWINGE.

God makes everything come out right;
    he puts victims back on their feet.
He showed Moses how he went about his work,
    opened up his plans to all Israel.
God is sheer mercy and grace;
    not easily angered, he’s rich in love.
He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold,
    nor hold grudges forever.
He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve,
    nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.
As high as heaven is over the earth,
    so strong is his love to those who fear him.
And as far as sunrise is from sunset,
    he has separated us from our sins.
As parents feel for their children,
    God feels for those who fear him.
He knows us inside and out,
    keeps in mind that we’re made of mud.
Men and women don’t live very long;
    like wildflowers they spring up and blossom,
But a storm snuffs them out just as quickly,
    leaving nothing to show they were here.
God’s love, though, is ever and always,
    eternally present to all who fear him,
Making everything right for them and their children
    as they follow his Covenant ways
    and remember to do whatever he said. – Psalm 103:12-18 (The Message)

I experience twinges quite often, and I suppose that comes with age. The more we live, the more guilt/sadness/regret we feel.

It is so interesting to me as I pass through one stage of life to another: the things I thought I knew about the season I am about to enter, I really have no clue. We only know what we know.

In my teens, I thought I knew so much more than my parents. In my 20’s, I began to realize maybe I didn’t know it all. In my 30’s, I thought I knew it all again as I worked full time and raised two girls and was in the muck and mire of a busy life. When I reached my 40’s with lots of baggage and hidden pain behind closed doors, I began to understand a little better the delicacy of marriage, the empty nest heartbreak, the rebuilding of a life after divorce.

And now in my 50’s, in process of defining who I am and who I want to be, I now sense the quiet of this season “post children” who have given me grandchildren that live far away and are all busy with their own lives. I find ways to fill heart void, assisting my 91-year-old Dad on occasion when he needs me and when he does not, volunteer my time where I can make a small difference in my corner of the world, and fight the urge to curl up on the couch and disappear into a mind-numbing TV show.

I have the sense to observe my Dad’s daily life and others in his apartment building, but until I am there, I will not know. It brings me back to my 40’s when I learned a deeply painful lesson that unless I have walked in someone else’s shoes, I really should not assume I am an authority on their life.

I see my Dad, and I twinge. But I also smile big on the inside. He has always been an incredible teacher without saying many words, if any at all. He lives his life by example.

But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. 
For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. 
You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. 
But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard,
then God will bless you for doing it. – James 1:22-25 (NLT)

He is who God made him to be, and everyone loves that guy. And one of these days when I enter the sunset season, I will know what it is like, and I will finally understand. Until then, I will be his student and continue to learn from his example.

At the end of this week, I am grateful for that example – he helps me to be a better person now and was pivotal in my “rebuild.”

I am grateful for time spent with my Dad – he is the best Dad I could ever hope for.

I am grateful for a twinge now and then – I am alive and feel and appreciate.

I am grateful for the seasons of my life, even though I have blocked out so much.

I am grateful that as far as the sunrise is from the sunset, God has separated me from my sins.

I am grateful for cardinals and songs and windchimes and pictures and little girl clothes – all reminders of beautiful pieces of my life.

And finally, I am grateful for sunshine that highlights the brilliant yellows, oranges, and reds of autumn. Oh, and football season. Go K State, Go Chiefs, and yes, I can say it now that I will be one…Rock Chalk.