That might come in handy sometime.

I was vacuuming this morning before work, getting ready for my family to arrive tonight for the weekend. I didn’t have time – I needed to get my breakfast and situate at my desk for the day, but…cat hair. Anyway, I was vacuuming this morning before work. There was glaring evidence that I really should also clean the wood floors, but, eh. It’s family – they won’t care.

I got to the kitchen and was maneuvering around chairs and rugs, and I almost didn’t notice, because it has been there so long. I purchased a rug for my Dad’s new apartment in June, and it was shipped around this long cardboard tube. You don’t just throw away a 5 foot long cardboard tube! That might come in handy sometime!

So, it has been propped up against the wall in the kitchen since June.

I am grateful for things that might come in handy sometime, because they might come in handy sometime.

I am grateful for memories of talking to grandchildren on the other end of cardboard tubes, because I am pretty sure that is the only thing those cardboard tubes are good for – that, and bonking each other on the head.

I am grateful for a vacuum cleaner and the ability and desire to push one.

And I am grateful for family that doesn’t care!

However, if they DO care about my less than clean wood floors…where’s that cardboard tube that will come in handy, ’cause someone’s about to get bonked.

Junior.

Last night, I attended my first night of “in person” class at KU. As I was filling out a form to share a bit about myself with other classmates, it felt so good to answer the question, What level/year in school?

I am a junior, thank you very much. OLD junior, but junior, none the less.

I loved every minute of the two hour class, soaking in the experience, the professor’s words, the short discussion with three classmates who are now my Group 4 for the semester – I even loved the nervousness of not knowing how to digitally function in an actual classroom without the comfort of a notebook and pen, and stepping into an all-gender restroom that is now standard on campus.

I entered college behind the 8 ball back in 1983. I was not prepared, and I did not make good choices. Those choices delayed my re-education by a few decades. But God used those years to prepare me for this season of life, where my enthusiasm and desire to try again is overflowing.

When class was over and I loaded up my laptop and walked out into the soup of the evening, my first thought was, “I want to call Mom and tell her all about this!” She would listen enthusiastically and be really interested and happy along with me.

When I got home, I did the next best – I called DAD. And he was the perfect Mom substitute. He listened enthusiastically and was really interested and happy with me.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.” – Lamentations 3:22-24 (NIV)

I fall back on that passage of scripture a lot. It fits.

I am so grateful today to finally be a junior, even if it is at KU.

Side note: I am also so grateful today that we have season tickets to our KState games where I can wear purple with pride!

I am so grateful today that I have a partner who encouraged and continues to encourage me to pursue my lifelong dream of obtaining this degree, even if it takes me YEARS. I am on the road and in the lane. Sam called me yesterday just to tell me how proud he is of me and he wants me to keep going and get that Masters. Slow down, pep squad…

I am so grateful today that I can pursue this degree a few classes at a time, so the bank account can handle lots of small shocks over time, rather than all at once.

I am so grateful today that I can still call Dad and he is there to listen, as he always has been.

I am so grateful today for the opportunity to sit in a class that is so diverse – I can feel my mind and heart stretching and it is so good.

I am so grateful today for the reminder, yet again, that it is never too late to learn, to start over, to try again, and begin again.

I am no longer my past self. I am a JUNIOR, in school, and in this life season. For that, I am so very grateful.

“…I’m realizing that Christian growth is all about transformation – a lifelong process. Some of the knots from my past are very hard to untie, especially those that involve people who continue to hurt me. Instead of obsessing about how to fix things, I need to keep turning toward You – seeking Your Face and Your will. As I wait with You, help me to relax and trust in Your timing for smoothing out my tangled-up places. Show me how to live with unresolved problems without letting them distract me from You. I rejoice that Your abiding Presence is my portion – and my boundless blessing! – August 23, Jesus Listens by Sarah Young

Pinch.

Waves of emotions today.

It started early, before the sun rose, in my trying-to-stay-asleep-but-knowing-it-is-past-time-to-get-up phase. My woman mind was swimming with all the things.

Not good, not healthy.

And then when I finally decided to start the day, the day that had already begun with thoughts that were less than, I received an emotional pinch. Pinch is slightly less than gut-punch but none-the-less inwardly painful. Not childhood pinched. Adult pinched nerve pinched.

It was the pinch reminder that all things are not really rosy and fine. The reminder that there is still baggage, still unspoken things swept under the rug. Like a favorite vase with a crack that has been sealed but is still visible.

That pinch was like Peter on the water, doubting, taking his eyes off the One.

Because when I think, I sink.

I got ready for work under my cloud, told Sam goodbye while he reassured me over and over that it was going to be okay and we will keep swimming and being who we are together, and I made my way to the office, thinking about a particular song.

And I’ll testify of the battles You’ve won
How You were my portion when there wasn’t enough
And I’ll testify of the seas that we’ve crossed
The waters You parted, the waves that I’ve walked

Singing, oh-oh-oh, my God did not fail (Yeah)
Oh-oh-oh, it’s the story I’ll tell
Singing, oh-oh-oh, I know it is well
Oh-oh-oh, it’s the story I’ll tell

After getting settled at my desk, I turned my Michelle desk calendar to August 10 and was gifted with this:

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. (Philippians 4:8 NIV)

I am grateful for good pinches.

I am grateful for a quiet office today where the silence is loud and God can speak.

I am grateful for Sam.

I am grateful for God’s complete forgiveness and the way He has parted waters and held my hand through it all.

I am grateful my Dad is just down the street and I have the privilege of seeing him every day.

I am grateful for waves.

I am grateful to be like my mama, letting the emotions flow, wearing them on my sleeve.

I am grateful to be reminded this morning how far we’ve come.

I am grateful this story is still being written.

And I am grateful that just as waves crash, they also dissipate and all is well once again.

The life I have left.

We were driving Trail Ridge Road last month, a very familiar road to us and one we have driven multiple times each year for the past ten years or so. 2020 was devastating in so many ways, and adding to the lifechanging and history-making bullet points was the East Troublesome fire that swept through our favorite get-away, Grand Lake, Colorado. Almost 194,000 acres and everything on them were destroyed in the fire.

So, as we were once again driving in the National Forest and entered the re-birth of the area, Sam slowed down so we could pause and take it all in, quietly reflecting on the way it had been compared to the way it is now. He said something that has not left my thoughts since…

“I will not see these trees replaced in the life I have left.”

oof.

I have not been able to get that out of my mind since. When he said it, it was so somber, but yet it was so true. And it has made me think about how many things I may not ever see again. I have lived more years now than years I have left, and how many things, or people, have I seen that I will never see again?

I shall pass this way but once; any good that I can do or any kindness I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.

– Etienne de Grellet, a Quaker missionary

I am grateful for stark reality that punches in the gut and causes reflection.

I am grateful that God not only restores my soul, He restores his creation.

I am grateful for the privilege and opportunities we have had to visit beautiful places on repeat.

I am grateful for Sam and the years God has given and continues to give to him, to us.

I am grateful that at every turn, God gives me opportunities to do good and show kindness, and when I neglect to do so, His mercy is new every morning, and He gives me a new day to try again, with the life I have left.

I am grateful for wildflowers.

I am grateful for the beauty of trees in full color.

And I am grateful for the message of death trees that remain standing, showing evidence of their existence, their trauma, and their strength.

John Jangle Oppenheimer woah.

My thoughts and actions are so insignificant compared to the minds God created that have shaped our world. We walked out of that movie on Sunday night, mind blown and resolving to see it again, just to untangle all the information swimming in our heads.

All I have to figure out is how many Skotcheroos to make for tonight’s Bingo group. And my world was slightly disrupted yesterday when I had to go home to meet the satellite tech guy after an appointment was made so he could show me how to use one remote instead of two, just to turn the smart tv on.

I say it quite often, and I will say it again: I am so glad I am not in charge of the world. However, we would all be eating Skotcheroos and picking up Bingo markers off the floor rather than blowing each other up. There is that.

I am grateful today that although I feel very insignificant at times, I know I matter to a handful.

I am grateful for Thursdays with my Bingo bunch who always make me feel significant and eat whatever I bring.

I am grateful for a decent grade in Ethics and the internal “last day of class” feeling as we sat in the movie theater and watched the culmination of my summer education on morality or the lack thereof.

And I am grateful for a 4:30 in the morning butterscotch and chocolate sample.